[action] Vandesdelcat in Magnificent Footwear

[faterecanted]

[Van is having a rough time of it today. First he woke up to find that there had been some alterations while he was sleeping. What should be normal human ears have been replaced by cat ears. Big, fuzzy cat ears, which are apparently highly mobile. They're currently spending most of their time pinned back against his skull in displeasure.

And that's to say nothing of the tail.

Not only that, but when he was getting dressed, he found a pair of boots that he was certain weren't his. Oh, but they were very nice boots. The leather was so soft, and they had such nice trim, and... But no. He was not going to wear someone else's boots. Except... he just... couldn't... resist...

And the minutes those boots were on came the absolute certainty that someone out there in that village needed him. There were problems that needed solving, and only his wit, charm, cunning, and deviously underhanded trickery could possibly do! That and amazing footwear.

If only he knew whose problems they were.

No matter! He has a job to do, and a silly little thing like not knowing what it is is not enough to stop Vandesdelcat Musto Fende! He will search the entire village, stop everyone on the street, until he finds his beloved Mast-

...Something is not right here.

Nevertheless, he is compelled. He cannot resist it, no matter how he tries. He will indeed stop everyone he meets on the street, searching for that one person whose bidding he must do. Is it you?]

Excuse me! Wait! Is there something you need help with? Something that requires... cunning?

[Little does he know... it's not just one person.

It's everyone.]

Comments

[dissonates]

[He'd rather avoid looking at Van's butt, if it's all the same. The boots are particularly drawing, but the ears... definitely the ears are what's getting his attention right now.]

You expect me to take your offer seriously when you look like that?

[faterecanted]

You don't honestly think I chose this? [And his fuzzy, ridiculous cat ears twitch in annoyance.] Asch, don't be absurd. [Unlike this entire situation.]

[dissonates]

No, you're obviously being affected by an experiment. But that doesn't change anything.

[You still look silly beyond belief and he can barely even look at you. ...OH GOD THEY MOVED why did he look.]

[faterecanted]

[It changes the fact that he is IRRESISTIBLY COMPELLED TO DO YOUR WHINY, WHINY BIDDING.

Not that he's going to mention that. That would be stupid.]

Don't be so difficult. It isn't becoming of you. [Young man, he raised you better than this. You know, right after the kidnapping and agony.]

[dissonates]

As if I care about that. Now what do you want?

[To help? Because when he'd said that earlier it hadn't made any sense. He doesn't need help, unless Van feels inclined to do his shopping for him or go live in the mountains like a hermit for the next six months.]

[faterecanted]

I'd rather know what you want. [His stupid cat tail. It is a-swishin'.]

[dissonates]

[Seriously he is one step away from banishing you to hermitry mountains. But okay, it's pretty obvious that Van isn't going to go away, against the wishes of either of them, so he leans back, arms crossing, and gives it a moment's consideration. Maybe this merits a little more investigating.]

Why are you so determined to help me?

[faterecanted]

[At least banishment would end the humiliation. It's not like he'd have to stay there once this idiocy ends, right? ...Right?]

I've always wanted to help you. You know that. [Tough breaks, kid. He's not going to tell you anythi-] It's my calling.

[...

...

...

...

...

...

...

... dammit.]

[dissonates]

[That all depends on your willpower, perhaps...

And Asch just. Stares. At that. Kind of flabbergasted.

Calling. His calling. To help. To help oh god what even.]

Your... calling- [Oh god he can barely choke the word out-] Involves you looking like a cat?

[faterecanted]

[If such a thing was possible with just a look, Asch would have a lot more in common with his name than usual right now.]

Just. Tell me. What you want.

[dissonates]

[So scary. But since Van is so urgently desperate to be helpful... let's try a little test, shall we.]

I want dinner.

[faterecanted]

I'll need [to suggest you go find someone who cares] a sack to carry the ingredients in first.

[There is at least that small mercy. Something must be given, for help to be received. With any luck, Asch will decide it's not worth it. ...But then who knows how long he'll be stuck like this? Damn.]

[dissonates]

[...Really, that's all? Asch studies him for a long moment, vaguely intrigued. A chance to humiliate his master and put him to work sounds kind of delightful, but it could also come hand in hand with some brutal retribution after the fact.

....

But it's still worth the risk- he gets so very little at Van's expense, after all. So with an idle shrug he pulls a thin canvas grocery bag from beneath his tabard, offering it out.]

What about this one?

[faterecanted]

[Why is he carrying around a grocery bag? WHO CARRIES AROUND A GROCERY BAG?

And now Van's doom is sealed. The request was made, the price was given, and now he must do his master's the ungrateful brat's bidding until Asch...

...marries... the princess?

Gah. He snatches the bag out of Asch's hand with a sour expression.]

Wait at your apartment's kitchen- [There was another word at the end of this sentence, strangled off into an annoyed wheeze. Sounded like it started with an M.]

[dissonates]

[lololol okay this.

This is a beautiful thing.

And Asch is not one to laugh idly, oh no. He prefers his humour to be sardonic, biting, a casual, mocking smirk at someone else's expense. Possibly involving the ruin of a replica's mental well-being. You know, as an added bonus.

But this? If that pathetic strangling of a word was the one that Asch realizes, belatedly, it might have been? Yeah, this is comedy gold. If he didn't already hate them so much he would tip his hat at the Malnosso.

...And if he had a hat. He doesn't, obviously. But he does have a barely-suppressed smile slowly crossing his lips as he turns away to head off.]

Pick up coffee, eggs, and milk while you're there.

[faterecanted]

[Asch better enjoy it while he can, because when this is over, he will be paying for it in tears.

So many tears.

Just to spite him, Van is going to steal his shopping list from other people's kitchens so he can say Asch made him do it. Naturally, this means he doesn't get caught once.

Damn.

Not too long later, he will sulk his way back to CH2 (with coffee, eggs, and milk) and on into the kitchen area, hoping fervently that Asch isn't there.

The relevant question here isn't "will fate smile upon him?" It's "when has fate ever smiled upon Vandesdelca Musto Fende?" Not today. No, certainly not today.]

[dissonates]

[Asch is, in fact, chillin' like a villain in the kitchen, waiting for Van's arrival as he reads one of his Dawn Age texts. Because showing off the cool stuff he has from Auldrant that Van doesn't is a fabulous idea when Van can't do anything about it. even if it's just the fairy tale book that Luke wrecked

He barely looks up as Van arrives, mostly because he's pretty sure he'll just start smirking at the man's appearance and not be able to stop.]

[faterecanted]

[Van does not care about silly fairy tale books. (If only he knew...)

If Asch wasn't smirking before, he'll definitely start smirking now. With nary a glance in his direction, Van sets the groceries on the counter and pulls out two items, which he dons with exaggerated dignity: a plain white apron and a bandana to tie over his hair. It's not as though Asch hasn't seen this before, either; but the cat ears just make everything funnier.

He then sets to work on starting the rice and stock for dinner, slamming pots and pans down in a cacophonous symphony of domestic displeasure.

Hope Asch didn't want it quiet so he could read.]

[dissonates]

[Asch finally glances over at Van, the noise only serving to earn his attention. And swiftly his amusement, as he hastily looks away again, because oh god the ears and tail just makes the entire ensemble ridiculous. As angry as he's going to make Van over the course of the day, this is really worth it. So little amuses him these days.

He lifts the mug resting on the table at which he's seated, tapping it against the wood surface twice.]

Make some coffee, I need a refill.

[faterecanted]

[Van glances back over his shoulder with a glare that could fell behemoths. But does his enforced loyalty extend to being polite to his Master? (Ugh, just thinking it leaves a sour taste in his mouth.)]

All of my many skills at your command and you want coffee. Idiot. [Apparently not.

...He finishes washing the rice and starts the coffee anyway.]

[dissonates]

[Now see, that attitude is why he doesn't call you 'Master' anymore. You just can't think positive, can you?

Asch calmly flips a page, jotting down a little note in a smaller book before tucking it back into his shirt.]

The only skill I'm interested in right now is your cooking. If you'd rather I tell you to kill a few people and make a name for yourself, I could try that after dinner.

[faterecanted]

[...Van was disappointed in Asch's general use of leverage, after so many years of observing a master; but he has to give him points back for that one. Well played, Asch. Well played. Very good.

Still be paying for it later, though.]

So you were paying attention after all. [He'll be taking that mug now. And perhaps not even considering adding dish soap to it, or anything else equally petty and childish.] Though we both know you wouldn't do it.

[dissonates]

You know that I'm always paying attention. [Take now for example; he's quietly aware of what Van is doing behind him, regardless of where his eyes are turned.] And whether or not I would is irrelevant- it's enough that you know I could. In this place, it would be your word against mine, and I've got the advantage.

[faterecanted]

[What Van is doing is starting the stock for dinner while he leaves the rice to soak, and waiting for the coffee to brew. He's quiet for a long time. Almost disconcertingly long.

There were ways Asch could have followed that threat that would have made Van proud of him. There were ways he could have followed that threat that would have made Van indifferent. He has managed, through gross miscalculation, to hit upon the one way he could have followed that threat that has made Van honestly disgusted with him.]

Yet never attention enough. [Van's tone is glacial. He's never been indulgent with Asch the way he was with the replica, but it's still a rare occasion that his voice is this devoid of warmth.] Your advantage is that I've neither reason nor reputation for violence, and am content to leave it that way.

This isn't Auldrant, Asch. I want you. I don't need you.

[He sets the refilled mug down at Asch's place. Coffee always goes so well with rejection.]

[dissonates]

[Asch's response may surprise Van, at least in part; he looks at his old master for the first time since his arrival, all amusement gone from his expression, and scoffs. Actually scoffs. It's a quiet sound, muffled by tightly-closed lips, but undeniably there.]

You don't need me in Auldrant, either. You think you do, but I know better.

[He looks away again, but this time to shut his book. He can't read anymore, not with the joke suddenly ruined by that.]

Besides, if you don't need me, why would you want anything to do with me? All you've ever cared about is how useful I was to your plans.