faterecanted | [IC] Appointments

They'll do it again.

[Van hates feeling helpless, more than anything else in the world. Helpless, while his entire life is decided in advance. Helpless, while the only people who cared about him die useless, senseless deaths so men and women who never knew them can live happily. Helpless, while all he had left turn their backs on him, and he can only go forward because there are no other options left.

...Helpless, strapped down and drugged delirious, which stopped him fighting but never dulled the pain, wired up and stuck with needles, and he could never remember names or faces but the mocking voices were always infuriatingly clear, even though he never knew if they were just in his head or not.

And it's not in the past anymore. It could happen again. It could happen tomorrow. Sixteen years of hate and bitterness and resentful defiance, and he's no more capable of protecting himself now than he was then. Helpless.

He hisses through his teeth.]

But that doesn't matter to you, does it?

[That earns him a sharp glance at last, and Asch narrows his eyes, studying Van for a moment. Doesn't matter? Why wouldn't it matter? Even considering how he feels about Van right now, even considering how little he trusts the man who'd practically raised him, even considering the scar on his chest that proved how well they got along these days-

Even with all of that, he's not heartless. And seeing Van like this reminds him of a great many things, not least of all how he'd felt, all those years ago, tied to a table and forced to endure more pain than a child ought to experience in a lifetime, never mind a single session.

The Malnosso have done that. To him, and now, he understands, to Van. He knows what they can do. What they've done in the past.

And Van did it to him. So why would it not matter?]

Stop making assumptions about what I believe or how I feel.

[The lightheadness is well past, now. Van could just get up and leave. Walk away from a tiring conversation with a tiring individual, just one more thing in his life that he no longer has any control over...

But he doesn't. All he does is push away from the wall, and compose himself with a little more haggard dignity.]

Assumptions are all I have left to make of you. Certainly not sense; what you said before the draft makes less now than it did then.

[Asch scowls at that, unable to help himself.]

I can't imagine that you didn't enjoy watching me "learn my lesson" for that. [Not that he's promising that any lesson was indeed learned- he has yet to renounce the conditions of their truce, after all.] You've never been a gentle teacher.

You may have learned a lesson, but it wasn't for that. [Enjoyed it? Yes. Van has always been a fan of watching people suffer for their own self-made problems. Was that so terrible of him? He'd helped Asch. He would have helped more, if only Asch had let up on his ridiculous condition.]

Is it truly that much easier to cooperate with our captors than with me? Or is 'picking the side that wants you to live' all you've ever done? Have you always hated me so much?

[He doesn't want to know the answer, not really; but he may as well ask. Get all of his misery over with at the same time, instead of spreading it out unduly long. Had Asch always hated him?

If he'd known, he wouldn't have wasted all that time. He didn't need Asch for his plans; he needed a hyperresonance, any broken idiot that could provide a complete enough one would have sufficed. If Asch was going to hate him regardless of what he did, he should have just left him in that basement. Instead, he'd...

Played the fool. Ha.]

[Another long pause, though not as long as the last one; he lowers his head, hands clenching in the material of his pants. The side that wants him to live? Is that what Van believes is his motivation? Surely he can't be that blind...]

...I don't hate you.

[It's a difficult thing to admit, especially for him, especially considering their situations now. But if Van misunderstands his entire reason for fighting, then that, at least, needs to be corrected.

Why - or to what end - he still has no idea. But it's a start.]

You turned on me. You refused me. You attacked me. You'd rather be with the replica than with me.

[What is that, if not hate? The first three, he can almost comprehend; but the last has been rankling him ever since he arrived. To be passed over for that defect...]

But you don't hate me? [Just how stupid does Asch think his master is?]

[Asch doesn't think it's stupid at all. Contrary, yes, and he's well aware of that. He'd said as much to his replica, back then- this isn't about logic. This is thought, emotion, feeling. He knows what he thinks, what he believes, is very very different from how he feels.

He's not sure if Van can ever understand this, but here - and now - he'll try to make it more clear.]

I don't have to hate you to disagree with what you're doing. Hate has nothing to do with it. You're my enemy because of circumstance. Because of-

[Jealousy. Fear. Disgust for the lengths you'd go to destroy the Score.

It's too much.]

... I wanted to be by your side, but you took that choice from me as soon as you chose death and replicas over living free from the Score. I'm with the replica because he understands that, not because it's what I prefer.

[Even in Luceti, even in a place with no Score at all, familiarity is safer than trying to face the past. Luke may be a replica, but for him, the innocent are never an acceptable sacrifice. And he still has people he wants to protect.]

[That makes Van laugh; softly, lowly, bitterly.]

I can't be separated from my goals and beliefs so easily. [What a miserable life it must be, to be so full of doubt and contradictions. He believes in his actions, he knows they're right, he feels it with every fiber of his being.

And yet...

Van is almost too proud to say it, even brought low as he has been by current circumstance. His pride is all he has left.

But it isn't admitting he was wrong. Not really. Finding another potential solution didn't make his original one any less valid. This one involved avenues that weren't previously known to anyone. No one could have arrived at it.]

What if I told you... [A deep breath.] ... that I may have found another way?

[That makes Asch look up again, genuinely surprised, though there's no trace of hope in his gaze- he doesn't dare to feel such things anymore. Another way? Van had been insistent for so long - ever since they'd all found out the truth behind his plan - that it was the only way. That destroying the planet's very memory, and the memories contained within every living human being in Auldrant, was how the Score could be destroyed. That it was the right path, the true path. That any other option was just false hope and pointless delaying of the inevitable doom of the world.

The idea of another alternative... he'd never imagined the thought would enter Van's mind.]

...What?

[This, he's got to hear. But for much, much deeper reasoning than simple disbelief.]

[It was Tear that made him consider it at all. The Score must be overturned, but... he wants his sister to live happily, and he doesn't want to kill her. She's the only thing left in the world worth protecting. His way is better, more certain; but they have time here, nothing but time, no approaching deadline like on Auldrant. Perhaps with enough of it, he can be sure...]

Humanity must be removed from Auldrant, and Lorelei destroyed, or the Score's hold will remain absolute.

Removed.

[Removed... Asch glances down at his hands, lips pursing. It's true that leaving Auldrant had already saved his life- and the replica's, and Ion's, hell, even Van's. He could probably list off a dozen people who'd been spared by death just by being brought to this place. The same could be said of every single person meant to die in the hidden Score of death Ion had read in Zaleho.

He's... not sure how to feel about this suggestion. But it's startling how little he's against it.

One step at a time, then.]

Your plan's already in motion on Auldrant. Would you really reconsider?

I don't need to reconsider anything. The originals could never return, or everything would be undone. If they return, they die. It's one small modification, a possibility we weren't aware of at the time. Everything else can proceed according to plan.

[Everything...

Right to the very end.

He always wanted to make a free world. He never intended to live in it.

He'd rather go home.]

...You'd need the right world to bring them to- one capable of supporting all the citizens of Auldrant. A free world.

[Asch shoots Van a meaningful look. Luceti has barely changed at all in the three - almost four - years that Asch has lived here. It would take a great deal of change and a lot of patience to make this world the least bit useful, nevermind actually sorting out how to transport people from one planet to another. And if Luceti turned out to be a bad choice, there's the task of finding another...

He's not about to argue against the idea, but he's still not comfortably with the thought of agreeing with Van, either. Best to play it safe by offering up complications that Van has probably already considered.]

It would require much effort, patience... cooperation. The Malnosso would need to be dealt with. There are technological problems to solve. We would have much work to do.

[We. He'll still take Asch back, even after all that's transpired between them, if Asch will just agree with him. They had a common goal, a noble one, if a bloody one. They can have a common goal again.]

These things would take time. Many years, perhaps. More than all the years I spent working towards this on Auldrant. Progress would be slow; but what benefits do we have here, if not that of time?

...Hm.

[He doesn't miss Van's choice of phrasing, though his brows lift a little before he narrows his eyes again. We. We, indeed. After three years - very nearly four, according to this world's time - he's discovered that there's no shortage of free time. Freedom on the other hand, is ever in short supply, unless one is content to live within the barrier.

He's not committed. He's not. Not yet, maybe not ever. But... if it could change things, if it could keep them all alive...

...if Van was able to find a way to bring the people of Auldrant here, if they could all live on this world, free and without being forced to endure these experiments all the time... maybe...]

...We could be sent back to Auldrant before we make any progress at all in freeing this world. But if we stay...

[Maybe... maybe he won't have to die.]

As long as someone involved in the plan remains, it shouldn't be an issue. One person may be returned at any time. Several at once is less likely.

[He pauses for a moment, and then rolls his shoulder with a loud crack. The twitch of a wing under his shirt isn't all that out of the ordinary, but there's another movement to catch Asch's eye: the sharp edge of a shoulderblade, outlined and then hidden again under thick fabric. It's a potent hint at why Van's bringing this up now, and not when he's completely sure of it... and at why the reminder of his childhood hasn't made him discard it completely, for the opinion that the originals deserved to die.

He's simply not in any shape to fight. The Malnosso have achieved what miasma poisoning couldn't, what killing him couldn't.

He needs whatever good will he can get.]

[Asch's gaze drifts to Van's shoulder, taking once again a note of his condition. It's a small but necessary reminder of just how fragile they all are, even in this place. Death isn't permanent, but that doesn't mean worse can't be done to them. He's all too aware of that already.

It's... tempting. It's so tempting to just nod and go along with Van's idea. Isn't it what he's wanted for a long time now? A way to destroy the Score, to free the people of Auldrant, without the need for replicas or killing everyone? It's like a dream.

But he knows that it's too late. Far, far too late for him. He can't ever go back.]

You should know that you can't rely on my support in Auldrant. If you go back and remember this, you'll be on your own. I'm never going back there as long as I have a choice.

And here?

[That's the only question that matters.

He sits up straight (as straight as he can) and breathes shallowly, waiting for an answer. The silence is as dense as a fog around them.]

[...Here... that is the question, isn't it. And, with the man right in front of him, with the condition he's in, Asch realizes that he doesn't have an answer to give him right away. This wouldn't be so alarming if it didn't mean so much.

He doesn't have an answer.

Not one way or the other.

Which is... alarming, to say the least. Asch doesn't respond for a while, hands resting on his knees, gripping the material a little too tightly. He should hate this man. He should want to kill him, should take him down and indulge in a little revenge for all the wrongs he'd done, not just to the world, but to Asch himself. He should challenge Van every step of the way, regardless of his plans, regardless of what changes he's considered now that he's in Luceti. So much he should be doing.

Instead, he lowers his hands, braces himself against the stairs, and pushes himself to his feet, retrieving the near-forgotten soup pot and starting quietly down the steps. When he's gone down far enough so that Van can no longer see his expression, he finally responds.]

You've got plenty of time here to try and convince me.

[...It's not a no.]

[Van watches him before standing and turning the other way. His legs shake underneath him and he sways in place; he's lightheaded, he stood much too quickly. Too much, too fast, too much, too fast... But isn't it always?]

I have the time. I wonder how long I'll have the inclination.

[It isn't a yes, either.]

[IC] Appointments

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